Kink 101: Q&A for the Kink Curious

I’ve been a dominatrix for over a decade, and I am frequently contacted by kink-curious novices looking to explore something a little different. Some of my new trainees have harbored secret fantasies for years and finally are brave enough to pursue them. Other people have learned about BDSM through movies or popular books such as Fifty Shades of Grey. Whatever their motivation, people who are new to kink have lots of excellent questions. In this blog, I answer some of the most common questions I’m asked by beginners.

Does it have to hurt?
Everyone knows the expression “no pain no gain,” but surprisingly it doesn’t always apply in BDSM. One question I’m often asked is whether or not pain has to be involved in a meeting. Pain certainly isn’t for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be included in a BDSM scene unless you want it to be. There are countless ways for BDSM scenes to unfold without pain. One of the main reasons people explore submission is that they want to give up control and be told what to do. Other people have fetishes for feet, latex, or wearing women’s clothes. Bondage and sensation play such as ice or teasing with feathers? No pain there, either.

Are you going to yell at me?
It’s a common myth that every dominatrix is an angry man-hater who wants to insult you and make you miserable. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love what I do, I adore my submissives, and I delight in tormenting them in fun ways. If both partners aren’t enjoying their time in the dungeon, then why bother doing it? As for yelling, the only time I yell at a submissive is if he’s hard of hearing and forgot his hearing aids! In the vanilla world, if someone talks louder in a conversation, it’s a sign that they’ve lost control of the situation. A truly dominant woman has the ability to control you without ever raising her voice.

What does BDSM mean, anyway?
BDSM is a condensed version of three acronyms: B/D for bondage and discipline, D/S for dominance and submission, and S/M for sadism and masochism. All of these activities fall under the umbrella of BDSM, along with fetishism. There are some people in the BDSM lifestyle who engage in all of these activities, while others only are interested in one or two pieces of the BDSM puzzle. You may already know what sort of kinky things you want to try, or you may just be curious to explore something a little different. Everyone has to start somewhere, and there is no “one true way” to explore this lifestyle. Try a little bit of whatever excites you and your partner, and you’ll be off to an excellent start!

What happens during a first meeting?
No two scenes will be exactly alike. There isn’t a magical rule book to consult that decides which activities you’ll enjoy most. However, there are certain types of play that are often popular with beginners. These are activities most people find sexy and fun, and they allow a nervous newbie to feel excited while still feeling safe. Here are some examples: putting you in a collar, leading you around my dungeon on a leash, light bondage, tickling, bare hand spanking, light nipple play, and role play scenarios. During a meeting, I give consideration to special requests you make, or activities that my years of experience indicates might be a good match for your energy. Every situation is different, and chemistry is tremendously important.

What WON’T you do to me in a first meeting?
We’ll talk about safety and limits in person in my office during our first meeting. When we’re in the dungeon, I’ll never do anything you’ve specifically told me is off limits. I prefer not to use gags or hoods in a first session, because I want you to be able to communicate clearly with me if there’s a problem or if you’re uncomfortable in a bad way. I won’t leave any marks on your body unless you specifically tell me marks are okay. I won’t walk out of sight while you are tied up. I never encourage any play that’s medically unsafe or mentally damaging. I won’t take my clothes off, nor will I engage in any illegal activities with you, whether it’s our first scene or our 100th time together. After we meet, I won’t ever violate your privacy by sharing your name or personal information with anyone.

What do you enjoy the most?
Plenty of new people ask me this question, either because they are looking for ideas or because they genuinely want to make their dominant happy. Primarily, I enjoy scenes with people who are bright, funny, and honest. Chemistry and personal compatibility are huge elements in building trust and establishing my dominance. Dungeon activities truly are secondary to personality fit, but some of my favorites are spanking, caning, medical scenes, bondage, electrical play, and lifestyle submissive training. I’m also a sucker for a good foot massage!

If you decide to explore BDSM, as an individual or as a couple, you’re embarking on a delightful journey. Seek out experienced teachers that can guide you on a safe path. Be honest with yourself about your desires and expectations, and communicate them clearly so your needs can be met. Be open to new experiences, and you may be surprised at the things you find exciting. Enjoy the discovery, and most importantly: have fun!